i told you this might happen...

for those suckers that have read every one of my posts, you may recall that in my very first blog i warned you guys that i might rant about something that has little to do with this job. i'll try to connect it by stating that it's a good idea for people in my profession to stay strong and in shape... you're constantly loading gurneys topped with overweight patients into the ambulance, you're picking dead-weight drunks off the street and onto your gurney, you're taking people down stairs who insist on grabbing the handrail and throwing you off balance... you need your strength. you really have to go to the gym.

and i do. i don't go quite as much as i should, i guess, but i'm there fairly often. and when i'm done working out, i enjoy going into the sauna and reading a magazine. i like to go to the sauna and relax. i like it because it's quiet and peaceful. at least it fucking should be so here we go:

what's wrong with some of you sauna people? don't you see that i'm reading, drinking some water, chilling out in the heat? i came into the sauna so that i could find some respite from everything going on outside. i'm not here to talk. i'm not here to think about much. i want to read about the latest in motorcycle suspension, or maybe i want to read some fiction in the new yorker until i can't stand the heat anymore. why are you blowing it for me?

the sauna is not for your bikram yoga exercises. i don't want to see your sweaty, naked, hairy body contort into weird shapes that look like some kind of kama sutra masturbation poses. i don't want to hear how hard it is for you to touch your toes, while you grunt in pain, trying to make me think that you're really pushing it. i don't care if you're in here, but fucking cut it out. you're a dick, and i'm not impressed. this is not your personal yoga studio.

and you over there! why can't you just put that towel on your lap like everyone else and have some dignity? we're not in ancient greece here. yeah, your hung. that's great. your legs are spread out so that everyone has to notice. you're not awesome, dude. you totally suck and that towel that you got when you came into the gym came with your membership and it's free so now's the time to use it. cover up. i'm open minded, but i'm not aloof and i'm noticing how hard you're trying to make this all "normal." it's not. your mom should have taught you some manners.

oh, and you in the corner. what the fuck? we're all hot in here... it's over 110 degrees. why are you making so much noise? SIGH... big breath... OOOHHH... chug chug chug your water so damn loudly. oh... you're suffering. you're really pushing the envelope here with how much you can stand. man... your pain tolerance is simply amazing and i'm really impressed. how can you do it? are you a monk or something? NO. you're a pussy. now cut it out or get the hell out of here. you're bugging the shit out of me and i can't concentrate on this damn article because you're distracting me in your agony.

all i wanted to do is relax. read a little. drink a little water. detoxify. but you jerks wouldn't let me.

maybe i should go get a massage.